Sunday, 06 July 2008

• Currently Listening Gold By Ryan Adams Ansering Bell see related

  Did I Trip? 'Cause I Know I Fell

  Sometimes I can't tell if the music I listen to determines my mood or if I subconsciously pick it because I was feeling that way and I just didn't know it. Like yesterday when I was in an incredibly foul mood, playing computer solitaire, and an acoustic version of "Answering Bell" by Ryan Adams came on. A wry, half-way smile kept breaking out on my face, though I was gripping hard to my bad disposition. Suddenly I felt a little silly and I gave up on my (possibly self-imposed?) wretchedness.

  So the question is: Was I truly depressed and then actually rescued by an arguably brilliant singer/songwriter? Or was I secretly fine and just pretending to be insanely grumpy?

  I don't know why anyone would want to glorify depression. It is a sometimes debilitating mental illness. That said, for some reason I do it all the time. I have a natural tendency towards anxiety and depression, and I get lost in all the sadness and black. Somehow it feels like that is the more authentic me, like being happy is a sham or a facade that I can only wear for a while.

  That makes it difficult to motivate myself to crawl out of the holes I dig. It's a bit like lying at the bottom of a pool. Everything is quiet, and in slow motion, while the world swirls by overhead. Eventually, though, it gets hard to breathe and I have to come up for air.

  Part of this being paralyzed is a complete inability to pray, talk to God, or have any sort of relationship with Him. I take the full blame for being the one cutting off communication. I just have this overwhelming desire to hide, to curl into a spiritual fetal-position and look inward. I become focused on my own misery and go over and over it like a worry stone. So really,the only lifeline I have gets ignored.

  This is complete craziness. I have had enough amazing close encounters with God to know that His love is real, His word is real and He really will answer my prayers and give me a new life. He has taught me amazing things and guided me when I had no idea what might be in store for me. But I continually drop His gifts in the dust and trample on them.

  Psalm 118:13 says "I was pushed back and about to fall, but the LORD helped me." In the NIV nearly every Psalm talks about the help of the Lord in times of trouble. He is here to be the strength and shield of everyone because He loves us above all His other creation. I just seem to have an especially hard time reaching up and taking His hand.

  He always takes me back joyfully, though I imagine He mourns for all the time I've wasted. And each time I hope it will be the last time I have to crawl back, though that's a little naive. I think that may be why it hits me so hard. Have you ever seen a baby learning to walk, the surprise on their face when they fall? That's me, every time. I just need a little more resilience to the setbacks. If I stay down whenever I fall, how will I ever learn to walk?

  That's my new prayer. 'Lord, help me realize that I may fall (and fail) from time to time, and probably without end. God, I just want you to help me up again and again."

  "Lord, Lord, can you take my hand and please lead me through? I have no one left, and I'm counting on you."

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