about_redemption's Revelife

They're Flying Too High To See My Point Of View

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 03:50:13 GMT

I've been spending a lot of time alone these past few months, which is a pretty big change from my usual summer program. In fact, this is a very unusual occurence. I like talking and noise and big groups, concerts and festivals and being in the middle of a general melee. I have been using this time to do a lot of reflection (hence the writing) and it has cleared a lot of the noise that typically surrounds me. I am not what one would call a quiet or gentle spirit, and though I know that these are generally considered positive attributes, I've never seemed to get a grasp on them.

It feels like the edges of my personality are too big and sharp to fit into those timid and round words. I have been described as "forthright", though possibly those people meant abrasive and/or blunt. I try to be tactful and not purposefully hurtful, but I also don't play games or beat around the bush. Sometimes my hair is neon colors, though now it is black. I'm not particularly soft-spoken and my laugh has been know to alert my friends to my whereabouts on the other side of a SuperTarget.

I try to contain it. I know the fruits of the spirit. Sometimes I feel like an example of "Oh, look, all kinds of people can be Christians". But I think that God sometimes uses my tendency to blurt things out or have loud, definite opinions. This is probably the case when it comes to what I call the "Jesus bubble" and a friend of mine terms the "holy huddle."

God calls us to be separate, holy and consecrated to Him. But He also came down personally to deliver the Great Commission to us in Matthew 28. I'm pretty sure we can't pick and choose which New Covenant commands to follow, so I do my best (which is not that great, to tell the truth) to follow Him completely.

Christians do not spring up out of the ground. If you weren't lucky enough to grow up in a Christian household, probably at some point a person who truly followed Jesus befriended you, a non-believer. That's what happened to me. A lovely, lovely girl took a chance on being best friends with a heathen like me from 3-9th grades, when I gave my life to Christ. She moved away a month after that and I still marvel at God's hand in it.

Poll people who have given their lives to Christ, and I bet you won't find many whose lives were changed by a tract. Or a t-shirt or a cardboard sign, as a matter of fact. What is at the basis of these people's stories is a relationship with someone who showed them Jesus. It could be a parent, a pastor or someone they met on a streetcorner, but it was surely someone willing to talk to them, to meet them as a beloved creation and tell them about their Creator. Someone who cared enough to go. To talk. To be Christ for someone.

Instead many of us cover our eyes and ears to suffering and turn inwards, to our prayer circles and Bible study groups and children's church and convince ourselves that we are doing all the right things. We only associate with other Christians and tell each other that we are doing pretty well. Someone else will do something about those people over there.

We can become swept up in sending money, in raising aid and in leaving the converting to the missionaries. But there are probably people hurting in your city, on your street or under your roof. Some of them may need your dollars, your old clothes or your food donations, but all of them need a relationship with someone who can show them how God loves them.

It has to be an intentional lifestyle, of trying to look at people and not past them. There is no one beneath notice. Do you look the girl at the counter in the coffee shop in the eye? How about the man lying on the sidewalk? It becomes hard to ignore people's humanity when you do this, and hard to just walk away if there is something you can do to help.

I look at it this way. By some crazy miracle, Christ lives in me, so I have something to give every other human on this earth, even if it is just the acknowledgement that they are here. Even if it is only a quick prayer when there is nothing in my pockets. And by the way, I have never had someone on the street refuse to let me pray for them.

So go outside. If the Holy Spirit resides in you, you have a huge pile of riches that gets bigger every time you share it. Don't be afraid. Maybe the God of the Universe will be looking out of your eyes at someone you meet.

Did I Trip? 'Cause I Know I Fell

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 19:48:08 GMT

Sometimes I can't tell if the music I listen to determines my mood or if I subconsciously pick it because I was feeling that way and I just didn't know it. Like yesterday when I was in an incredibly foul mood, playing computer solitaire, and an acoustic version of "Answering Bell" by Ryan Adams came on. A wry, half-way smile kept breaking out on my face, though I was gripping hard to my bad disposition. Suddenly I felt a little silly and I gave up on my (possibly self-imposed?) wretchedness.

So the question is: Was I truly depressed and then actually rescued by an arguably brilliant singer/songwriter? Or was I secretly fine and just pretending to be insanely grumpy?

I don't know why anyone would want to glorify depression. It is a sometimes debilitating mental illness. That said, for some reason I do it all the time. I have a natural tendency towards anxiety and depression, and I get lost in all the sadness and black. Somehow it feels like that is the more authentic me, like being happy is a sham or a facade that I can only wear for a while.

That makes it difficult to motivate myself to crawl out of the holes I dig. It's a bit like lying at the bottom of a pool. Everything is quiet, and in slow motion, while the world swirls by overhead. Eventually, though, it gets hard to breathe and I have to come up for air.

Part of this being paralyzed is a complete inability to pray, talk to God, or have any sort of relationship with Him. I take the full blame for being the one cutting off communication. I just have this overwhelming desire to hide, to curl into a spiritual fetal-position and look inward. I become focused on my own misery and go over and over it like a worry stone. So really,the only lifeline I have gets ignored.

This is complete craziness. I have had enough amazing close encounters with God to know that His love is real, His word is real and He really will answer my prayers and give me a new life. He has taught me amazing things and guided me when I had no idea what might be in store for me. But I continually drop His gifts in the dust and trample on them.

Psalm 118:13 says "I was pushed back and about to fall, but the LORD helped me." In the NIV nearly every Psalm talks about the help of the Lord in times of trouble. He is here to be the strength and shield of everyone because He loves us above all His other creation. I just seem to have an especially hard time reaching up and taking His hand.

He always takes me back joyfully, though I imagine He mourns for all the time I've wasted. And each time I hope it will be the last time I have to crawl back, though that's a little naive. I think that may be why it hits me so hard. Have you ever seen a baby learning to walk, the surprise on their face when they fall? That's me, every time. I just need a little more resilience to the setbacks. If I stay down whenever I fall, how will I ever learn to walk?

That's my new prayer. 'Lord, help me realize that I may fall (and fail) from time to time, and probably without end. God, I just want you to help me up again and again."

"Lord, Lord, can you take my hand and please lead me through? I have no one left, and I'm counting on you."

This Will All Make Perfect Sense Someday . . .

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 03:28:30 GMT

. . . I'll be a-okay.

The Price is Right is like a time warp. Virtually every memory of staying home sick (or perhaps not so sick) is peppered with watching over-enthusiatic housewives and college students maul Bob Barker while trying to recall the price of dish-washing liquid or an electric fireplace. I was fairly adept at talking my way out of going to school, so from kindergarten to this morning, I have possibly hundreds of hours of viewing under my belt.

Of course, it's summer right now, so I had no obligations to keep me from the Consumer Reports-inspired hysteria. In fact, I was not yet out of my pajamas. It could be a tribute to the idleness of summer, or a commentary on what happens when you have no discernible goals or agenda for a few months. I am not sure exactly what I should be accomplishing at twenty-two. This is, not unexpectedly, a phase of life that is leaving me less than enthusiastic.

A gray, misty gap exists between college and, well, everything else. I've completed one year out in the real world, and when I finished, I was alarmed to realize there was no longer a checklist and/or timeline to work off of. This is indefinite and sometimes infinite-seeming. I've slowly started my master's (four credits, woo hoo) but feel no burning desire to complete it quickly. My house is decorated in dorm-room chic because I don't want to buy "real" furniture until I have a "real" house. I even have some of the same dirty laundry.

In Breakfast at Tiffany's Holly Golightly describes her feelings thus: "The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of." It's especially bad for me in the summer. I get so bogged down in the nothingness that I can't move. I think the technical term for this is inertia. Or perhaps laziness. There are so many things I could be doing. I could volunteer at thousands of places that are short-staffed across the metro. I could take classes. I could pick up cliff diving. I could learn to play an instrument.

Or I could fix my relationship with God.

He and I bounce back and forth so often. I am terrified of not being in iron-grip control of my own life, even if it is nonsensical to not trust the creator of the universe. He has to break my fingers to get me to loosen up on an inch. Often the process is so grueling that I just give up all together. I'll be on a mountaintop, talking intimately with the living God, and some trigger will cast me back down in the valley unable to even look up at the ascent. Usually I feel like I am just too weak.

I know that this lead weight holding me down is a combination of my own rebellious temporal nature and the Adversary playing on my natural tendency to look down instead of up. But sometimes it feels like my neck is bent at a permanent shoe-gazing angle.

Psalm 9:10 says "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." I know that all of the Bible is the Truth, so this is true. God will never forsake me. Even if I spend years rolling around down here avoiding looking Him in the eye. I just keep holding on to all these hurts and disappontments and fears when I could be having the most fulfilling life with God.

Trusting in God will not only make my life much more worth living, it would be the greatest act of worship. I would acknowledge Him as Lord and tell Him that yes, He is the Creator and He loves me so much that He always has the best in mind for me. He will keep me from slipping back and back into sin if I will only let Him catch me when I fall instead of hitting the ground running.

I don't know. I'll get it someday. Everything will be a-okay.

What Do You Know About Redemption?

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 03:19:54 GMT

Sometimes words or phrases start circling in my head just before bedtime, or right after I wake up. Often they're just a random collection, syllables that make a rhythm or sounds that slip together. My underused brain likes to play word games with itself and occasionally I get clued in on an unusual cadence or a repeated chorus. It's generally nonsense and makes me wonder if I should start doing crosswords intensively to ward off Alzheimer's. Once in awhile, though, I can pull a little meaning out of a repeated jumble.

As I was brushing my teeth tonight, the question "What do you know about redemption?" kept playing in my head. It took a couple of passes for me to recognize that: A.) That collection of words actually forms a complete thought; and B.) That is a legitimate question. Was this really just a random thought, or an issue to be addressed? It couldn't hurt to think about, I decided. Now I only had to figure out if I was asking myself, or the collective world. Or (yes, this is confusing) was I asking a specific portion of those people? And just what kind of redemption was I talking about?

These are things best thought of outside the bathroom. I sat at the computer because, well, obviously I've lost control of my own brain and need mechanical assistance. What is redemption? Dictionary.com has multiple options, including:

1.	an act of redeeming or the state of being redeemed.

2.	deliverance; rescue.

3.	Theology. deliverance from sin; salvation.

4.	atonement for guilt.

5.	repurchase, as of something sold.

6.	paying off, as of a mortgage, bond, or note.

7.	recovery by payment, as of something pledged.

Do you know what I pictured? The opening scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones is putting the bag of sand in place of the artifact to keep the ancient traps from springing to life. That stone head, or whatever it was, was being traded out, and something took its place. Ridiculous, no? I don't think Lucas and Spielberg meant for that scene to be a great allegory. Mostly I think the purpose was to introduce a giant rolling boulder. Still, something was taken up, and something else was put in its place.

Okay, so I have some definitions and an illustration. To me, though, the word "know" is not always just intellect. When have I witnessed redemption? Felt it for myself? Honestly, though I am a churchgoer and consider myself a Christian, I don't know if I have ever given this a serious thought. I have "known" that Christ died for my sins from day one, that he took my place on the cross to redeem me from the punishment I should receive for my many, many transgressions. But how often do I see redemption in the everyday world? It gets a bit depressing when you start to seek it out.

I don't see it in the gleeful faces of newscasters as they expound on the latest addictions, broken marriages and untimely deaths. We have a celebrity culture built on reveling in the misfortunes of others. 'See,' we can say, 'at least I am better than you, even if you do have fame/millions/talent that I will never have.' This happens with our own acquaintances too. Why give them a little bit of the best part of yourself in exchange for part of their hurt or inadequacy? We don't need to be helping anyone else with their load. It's much easier to climb to the top of your own imaginary pile if you can push others down to use as stepping stones along the way.

Nor do I see it in the Schadenfreude of church members as they discuss (but never, ever gossip about) the wrongdoings of this and that other parishioner. The ultimate example can be staring them in the face over the altar every Sunday, complete with his own hand-carved effigy and purple banners, and never once does it occur to them to exchange a little of their comfort for someone else's pain. Yes, our good fortune from God is a blessing, but how many we could redeem if we just commuted a little of it to others.

I even turn away from friends and family when I feel their burden is too heavy. Then I cry and rail if their hands held out to me don't come quick enough. Sometimes I make myself sick with high-minded ideals and empty promises. If I can't expend the effort to go out of the way for someone I love, how will I ever understand this metaphysical redemption?

Of course, I come back to the basis, the strong foundation in the end. The ultimate redemption is an exchange in which the payment far outweighs the thing being redeemed. Our actual God caused himself to be trapped in flesh, on a poor, dusty piece of earth. To be weighed down with my sins. Your sins too. To be beaten, nailed to a cross and spat upon, killed. To redeem us, since we couldn't handle this suffering on our own. He gave His whole self so that I could be free. Revelation 5:9 says "'For You were slain, And have redeemed us to God by Your blood Out of every tribe and tongue and people and nation'".

When I think of this, I can see a little redemption going on down here. Churches with recovery programs and open arms. Summer programs for high-risk kids. Handing out water bottles to the homeless on hot summer days. Giving up a little of your life so someone else can have more. Exhanging your time for their weariness and hurt. Even putting and arm around someone else's shoulder when you don't know what else to do. These things all redeem a little bit of the giver and the receiver. I can do this. This is just a tiny shuffling step after Christ, whose ultimate sacrifice gave me real life.

So: What do you know about redemption?